Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
