When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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