I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
