I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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