she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
