you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
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I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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