im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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