i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
