That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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