you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
