That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
