Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
