Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
