I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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