Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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