I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
