No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
