The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
