Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
