just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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