I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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