Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
