you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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