Kiss
Puke
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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