You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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