This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
