This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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