my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you didnt know i had herpes?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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