He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
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Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
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He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
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