My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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