the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Just pee around me
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
