I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
