I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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