hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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