New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
