do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
