____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
my poor anus
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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