Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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