why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
