I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
