Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
