He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
