god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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