I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
