I never want to see another naked old woman again.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
he fucked my hip out of place.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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