I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
