my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
