I will die if light touches me.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize