OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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