She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I love having hate sex.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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